staticdream

oneshot of sorts stemming from Unfeigned (addof)

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Thick calloused fingers ran gently over the smooth keys of the synthesizers set up that night and Ren looked up and behind her and outside to the open air of the bay, breathing in the salty air. Hard rain pitter-pattered and bounced off the sea and the dock creating a slow steady cadence that reflected the state of her heart. Confusion was an understatement, hurt merely a scratch on the surface- no words could define how she felt that night. There was betrayal, there was pain; it was like being sucker-punched to the gut, being stabbed in the back.

She felt silly. She really should have anticipated it, she should have known better. Everything in Neil’s past behavior pointed towards that conclusion, and yet her scientific mind chose to ignore it. No one was at fault but herself, she knew that.

Lights centered around her, and she took her seat on the stool set up before the keyboards. Though she couldn’t see beyond her fingers, though the light blinded her, she knew. Neil was there that night with his date, Simon brought them along.

Some local celebrity. A model. Tall, skinny, leggy, perfect hair, perfect skin, hemlines up to there.

Typical Neil.

How she even let herself think she was an outlier boggled her.

Tatakbo at gagalaw

She still blamed Neil for it. After all, wasn’t it him who always came after her when she would run? Wasn’t it him who enabled her to run in the first place? She blamed him for everything. For making a move, though it probably didn’t mean what she thought it had meant. One by one the chords progressed from under her hands, hearing the steady bass and the gentle strumming behind her, her mouth opened slowly. Her voice was hoarse, yes, she had been crying.

Nag-iisip kung dapat bang bumitaw

By the time she realized she was in love with him, it was too late. He had already kissed her and took it back. It was that kiss. Try as she did to deny it ever happened, the feel of his soft lips burned onto her tongue. It wasn’t that easy to forget- she didn’t want to forget.

Kulang nalang, atakihin.

Ang pag-hinga’y nabibitin, ang dahilan, alam mo na

Kahit ano pa’ng sabihin nila tayong dalawa lang ang makaka-alam
Ngunit ako’y naguguluhan

Some part of her believed that she truly was the outlier. Neil felt for her and she knew it at some instinctive level. No matter how her brain tried to negate that intuitive feeling, telling her that gut feelings had no statistical power, her mind didn’t win. What mattered to her decision making was what her heart wanted. The way it would ache at the thought of him with another woman. The way it longed for some kind of miracle just so he would stay just a little bit longer. The way she would spin her world counter-clockwise just to rob the Earth of it’s natural angular momentum, slowing its spin the tiniest bit, lengthening the night, pushing back the dawn just to spend a little more time with him.

She was his statistically significant other, the amount of time and effort he spent on her was basis enough.

Yet he was the one who ran away.

And when Neil couldn’t man up to the task, Simon had stepped in. Her mind approved of Simon. Perhaps it was because despite of his similarities with Neil, he was less prone to hit on anything that moved around him. After all, wasn’t it Simon who took a more formal, more traditional approach? Everything about him struck bells in her head, ticking off items on her checklist, adding points to his roster.

After all, wasn’t it Simon standing next to her as soon as she finished her song? Ren didn’t have to force a smile, his own smile was contagious, sending a flurry of emotions up her spine. But there was guilt too.

Makikinig ba ako sa aking isip na dati pa namang magulo?

O iindak nalang lamang sa tibok ng puso mo

At aasahan ko na lamang na hindi mo aapakan ang aking mga paa

Neil had his arm around his date, they were whispering, and she wondered if they ever talked about the things they used to. If Neil would ever share a story not routinely told, a story Ren earned to hear. A story only she knew.

Next to her Simon was sharing his own story, her head heard it, but her heart was closed off. Inside her she knew what the right thing to do was. She knew the choice she had to make. But she couldn’t smile at Simon the same way she smiled at Neil.

And when Neil turned to look at her, Ren smiled.

Pipikit na lamang at magsasaya, habang nanonood siya

“Hi,” he said, voice like velvet, rich and smooth.

“Having fun?” The irony wasn’t lost on either of them.

“It’s my last day in Manila,”

“You say that like you’re not coming back.”

Paalis at pabalik, may baong yakap at suklian ng halik

magpapaalam at magsisisi, habang papiglas ka, ako sa’yo ay tatabi

Their eyes met, and only they knew what it meant. No one else was in the room but them, and as the meaning behind their gazes settled into each other, the gravity of the situation loomed menacingly over them.

He knew, she knew, and they both knew that the other knew as well.

Tayong dalawa lamang ang nakakaalam

Ngunit hindi na matanto kung sino nga ba ang pagbibigyan ko

Makikinig nga ba sa isip na alam ang wasto

ngunit pipigilan ang pag-ibig na totoo

Iindak na lamang ba sa tibok ng puso mo

At aasahan kong hindi mo lamang aapakan ang aking mga paa

He had made the choice for her. He wanted her to choose Simon, he made the way so that they would find each other. Wasn’t he the one who backed out? Neil watched her carefully from the corner of his eye as Simon doted on her.

He would be right for her, somehow, better than him at least-

No. It was a lie and he knew it. No one could ever love her the way he could, yet he was willing to acquiesce; Simon was his friend. He pretended not to see the look of confusion in her eyes, the look of hurt questioning him and his actions. He was bad for her and he knew it. Still, he wanted a chance to be better.

They both needed that chance to be better, apart from each other.

Pipikit na lamang at magsasaya, habang nalulungkot ka

*song Indak by Up Dharma Down